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So to bring everyone up to date if they have just arrived. Having participated in a body painting jam where I was sponged emerald green and turd brown and joined in the World Naked bike ride with my buddy, Ken (we share a passion for doing utterly peculiar things for the pure craic of it!) I was forced to see and acknowledge the state I’ve let myself get into physically. Hard not to notice when I could see a reflection of my green self, awkwardly straddling a saddle, lard spilling out the edges of my makeshift mesh dress and panting like pug, cycling down the docks like an obese leprechaun. I felt like Buzz Lightyear could probably spy my spare tyre from his home on the Gamma Quadrant and little children cheered as their favourite green teletubby pedalled past…how the hell had Dipsy managed to get himself up on a Coke Zero  bike? Mortified but motivated by the awful photos that followed, I vowed to take control of the situation, made an appointment with my GP and started a personal blog to track my progress and keep me focused. My first port of call was a plastic surgeon. Time to get the two airbags attached to my person deflated! I have nothing but respect for a curvy physique. Sofia Vergara is my body goal but unfortunately big boobs does not necessarily mean nice boobs. I suppose mine were alright at one point (not that I ever thought they were) but gravity and child rearing has definitely taken their toll and I am left with dragons eggs. My appointment with the boob guy is on the 8th of November. My insurance company will require that my BMI is under 25 before signing off on surgery. On the Monday that I started this little mission, my BMI was 28.5. As of this morning it is 27.2, with 15 weeks to go  before consultation. I’m getting there. I had intended to do Slimming World as it seems like the most realistic diet out there for a savage like me but my initial GP appointment coincided with major stomach complaints due to gluten intolerance. All I have done so far is eliminate gluten and hey presto, the pounds are dropping. I can’t say I’m surprised. In the first weeks while my stomach was settling down I feel like I pooed out a whole person. I have had other health complaints which are for a whole other blog but I assume excluding a food that seems to be poisonous to me will help with that too. All going to plan, I should be at 24.8 by November.

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Saturday was a fun filled day in the life of the meaty mammy. My mam and I went for afternoon tea at Hayfield Manor. This is a sort of dressy venue and while I’m still in a heap with my weight, the half stone I’ve lost so far is giving me a bit of room in my clothes and I felt good. My mother is the quintessential Irish mam, always ready with a critique or a needle and thread to “put a stitch” in any neckline that isn’t a polar neck. Once she had come to terms with my outfit, pointing out that the top “wasn’t great” and draped a shawl over it, she offered to put up my hair. I LOVE when my mam goes at my hair. I just love the sensation of it. In fact, if Kim Jong-Un offered me a head massage, I’d crawl up on his lap and let him at it. So I happily allow my mother to fashion my locks….even though it means I have to sport a traditional french braid to afternoon tea…I looked like I was on my way to get my first Holy Communion. The food was UNREAL! Our suitably stuffy waiter ushered us to our table (once he and my mam had convinced me that the hot lad playing the grand piano was not an hors d’oeuvre). Hayfield really pull all the stops out for the gluten free fare. Everything was exquisite. I did let myself down a bit. Mam explained that the seating times of 1-3pm and 3-5pm were to allow 2 hours to taste, appreciate and digest all the grub. She pointed this out when I was half way through tier 2 of my food stand by 3.15. I looked over at the couple on the table adjacent to ours…They hadn’t even made a dent in their savouries yet and they had been seated before us. She was sipping Darjeeling and staring out at the gardens as if she hadn’t noticed there was a tower of top notch carbs only inches away. What a weirdo! Mam commented that she and her husband hadn’t spoken for the whole time they were seated but my guess was she was too hangry (hunger related anger) to make conversation. He used a fork and knife to eat a smoke salmon canapé the size of a €2 coin. (I felt like picking it up and putting it in his mouth). However, Hayfield was a blast and great mother and daughter bonding occurred over meringue and Prosecco.

I didn’t do too bad on the eating front. I had scrambled eggs, bacon and GF toast in the morning but this was consumed after a 3 mile walk with Bertie (my deranged beagle). I did make a pig of myself at Hayfield but that was all I had that day other than scrambled eggs. Yesterday was kicked off with poached eggs, spinach and chickpea tomato salsa on GF toast. I had a portion of chips at midday and some GF bread and jam last night as it was too late to make dinner when I got home. I did get through a bag of microwave popcorn while I watched a few episodes of Sons of Anarchy but I was tired and didn’t have the energy to think of anything healthier. I discovered yummy GF beer at The Rising SONS in Cork city while I was attending Fleadh Cheoil na Mumhan so I will definitely be making a return visit there.

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The blog has been hopping this week and I would like to say a big thank you and send big virtual hugs and slobbery kisses to all those lovelies how have taken the time to read my rants from all around the world. XXXX

Happy Monday to one and all!!!!!

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