Many men shudder at the mere sight of a packet of female hygiene products to the extent that they would gladly leave you sitting on the loo, frantically looking around for a roll of paper towel as a ‘stand in’ because they’re too mortified to do a period dash to the shop for you. More fool them! I can’t count how many Born Survivor/ Ray Mears episodes I have endured, watching clueless ‘backwoods men’ rooting around in heavy backpacks in the hope of finding something that’s going to prevent them from dying of exposure or getting consumed by a puma. Pay attention now lads because I’m about to explain why your women stand a much better chance in a survival situation than you do……..

So the plane has just crashed and everyone got tossed around on the descent. She’s fairly bloodied. Not a bother to her. She can whip out a trusty tampon to pack her nose and wounds are easily dressed with a sticky winged pad….Meanwhile, her fella is bleeding out while scrambling around in banana leaves.

Now that her injuries are sorted, she fancies a walk around the area but her favourite holiday wedges came off in the crash and the rocky terrain is going to wreck her recent pedicure. No sweat sister. Two maxi pads and a few tampon strings are all this lady needs to fashion herself some custom flip flops…..She leaves the lad back at the plane wreck…he’s trying to work out which berries are safe to eat.

Night is falling and it’s getting chilly. The bears are circling and the bugs are on a rampage. She’s not too bothered. She didn’t bring any Zip in her suitcase but the Playtex Gentle Glide dipped in a bit of lip gloss is just as flammable….He’s squatting in the overgrowth with a chronic bout of the trots….He mixed up his berries.

She’s built a fine shelter for herself, but oh no…it’s rainy season and her jungle palace is under threat. Pads, strategically stacked make a formidable flood barrier…She chooses the overnight/ 8 hour range for this project. She pulls out a spare tampon to filter some water for a cuppa…He plans to filter his pee once he stops s*****g himself.

Things get quite boring and lonely in the wilderness. She avails of this opportunity to explore her creative side and fashions some Avant Garde tampon earrings and a ‘Carefree’ roll mat for her shelter. Tampax craft mice make ideal temporary companions….Hubby still hasn’t emerged from the scrub.

At this point she’s had quite enough of the jungle and heads away in her Kotex lined life raft. She had to plug a few leaks along the way but no more than a Tampax pearl could handle. She left hubby in the overgrowth as the raft couldn’t hold him. You would be talking maternity strength ‘crash mats’ for that kind of cargo and as he had left her sitting on the loo so many times she felt like it was just deserts.

So fellas, best to bring your missus along on any perilous journeys in future and pray to your maker that it’s Shark Week!

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