1. Consume large quantities of Cruciferous vegetables before your date and don’t hold back when your gut begins to protest. Be sure to justify yourself with a “Better out than in” remark.

2. Don’t flush. EVER.

3. Fill your old tablet jar with tic tacs and when he asks what you’re on meds for, casually explain that you are on your third course of antibiotics for a very persistent strain of Gonnhorrea…..”It’s so weird coz the herpes just sort of cleared up on their own. I have a super immune system. How ’bout you?”

4. When invited to meet the parents, ask his mother if he gets his sexual prowess from his Dad.

5. Bring him grocery shopping and throw a fertility tracker and a couple of clear blue tests into the trolley while looking longingly at Expectant Mothers as they pass by.

6. Use his socks as tanning mits.

7. Accidentally spill yogurt on his car seat and forget to clean it.

8. Shimmy in beside him while he’s taking a shower…stare into his eyes seductively while whispering, “I need this”…and pee

9. Slip into some sexy lingerie and when he’s all over you, mention that you borrowed it from his mother (“She’s wore it so many times, she thinks your Dad is getting bored”)

10. If you are on a night out with he and his
buddies, pick one of his friends that works in the medical profession nurse/vet/dentist/pharmacist/physio and ask if they’d take a quick look at your hemmoroid to determine whether you need to go to A&E?

Realistically, you should only have to try one or two of these tips to ensure a quick result. Good luck!

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